Thank you notes: do you or don’t you?
This is one of those topics that makes people some people squirm, some people pontificate, and some just shake their heads in wonder.
The question is, do you write thank you notes? In some situations? Just to mark a momentous occasion, such as your own wedding or graduation? Always? Never?
Many adults I know (one gender in particular) believe that a sincere verbal thank you is sufficient. Yet another group of adults (also one gender in particular) insist that a handwritten thank you is mandatory following the receipt of a gift or an invitation to an event, like a dinner, or a party, or any other kind of generous act.
Just yesterday in “Dear Annie,” a woman wrote to complain that she had presented her husband (in his 50’s) with an address list and notecards following a birthday party she held for him, at which he balked and told her, “no way, I’ve already thanked everyone who attended.”
Ok, there is a lot that’s wrong with that situation!
In business, the rules are just as often differently-interpreted. If you write thank you notes to business acquaintances, you may be construed as refined, or sucking up, or simply old-fashioned, depending on the point of view of the recipient of your note.
One dear friend of mine is an etiquette expert and, as such, might be considered the final authority. This friend actually writes the best thank yous I have even read. Yet, she reports that she has been bombarded with many rationales for NOT writing them at all.
What about you? Do you think that hand-written thank you notes are archaic? Are they a convention invented by etiquette experts intended just to confuse the rest of us? Do you expect thank you notes when you do something nice? Is there anything wrong with using email to extend your thanks?
As for me, I think they are a lovely gesture, and, whenever someone does something nice for me, I try to remember to write one on a nice notecard, with one of my favorite pens.
When I receive one, I treasure it and leave it out on my desk for a long time.
Comment // September 13th, 2007 // 10:45 am
Excellent topic, Katie. This is a current and popularly debated topic among business experts. Personally? I hate receiving thank you notes, especially after someone has told me thank you.
I think of the terrible waste of paper that the thank you note has become, because I can’t keep them. I already struggle enough with keeping paper clutter down in my house (as most parts of school-aged children do!). The last thing I need is a bunch of thank you notes hanging around the house or filling my up my garbage can (they don’t offer recycling where I live).
Because I don’t care to receive them, I don’t send them. I do send gifts of thank you once in a while, and I do certainly send emails and make phone calls of thanks. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer overall. Just a right or wrong answer for each person individually.
Comment // September 13th, 2007 // 3:03 pm
Sorry to disillusion you Heather but there is a right vs. wrong answer on the acknowledgement of gifts - and it’s not something that individuals make up all by themselves nor is it based on ecology nor on the messes young children are known to create.
Simply stated, like is reciprocated by like.
If you have received a phone call or a cheery greeting such as, “Happy Birthday!”, then you have Miss SOS’ permission to verbally reply, “Thank you for your best wishes.” No written note is required.
If you have received an email correspondence of the same nature, or even an email birthday card, then you may respond by email thanking them for their good wishes.
However, if you have received anything else that would be considered tangible, whether it be a gift certificate or money, household goods or clothing apparel, DVD’s or a good book … in other words, everything you can think of … then a handwritten note must be written expressing your delight and pleasure in receiving the gift and the thoughtfulness that accompanied it.
And yes, this rule applies even when you have verbally thanked the giver personally.
Comment // September 13th, 2007 // 3:48 pm
As is probably clear to the observant I am a human male. What could only be guessed is my current age which is just short of 79 years. I ALWAYS write thank you notes whatever the current public consensus, for which I don’t give a fig. Whenever a gift is given or a special service performed it is the beginning of a communication. Unless that communication is acknowledged there is an unfinished cycle present that is using energy to keep it in place. An acknowledgement with a thank you note finishes the cycle and frees up everyone’s energy.
We have all seen young children screaming and pulling at their mothers in grocery stores to get her attention while mother is trying to read labels. Those unacknowledged communications turn up later in life when thirty year old adults have their ‘nobody listens to me’ button pushed, and they relapse into childish behaviour again.
I always write thank you notes so that such things don’t occur between me and my friends or enemies.
This country has implacable enemies now because certain people were ignored for decades as valueless, so communications became denser and denser until words turned into bombs and bullets. Write thank you notes. At the very least it is good manners, a commodity little valued in these times when loudness, aggressive and boorish behaviour earn their exhibitors enormous sums in the public media..
DVB
Comment // September 14th, 2007 // 5:49 am
The answer is clear for me. It really depends on how engaging your business is with your clients. I tend to focus highly on building quality relationships with each of my clients - many of whom work with me in some capacity over months, even years.
I’ve found, over the years, that it’s these relationships that have led to my own business success. So for me it’s simple - everything I can do deepen, enhance and grow those relationships with my clients - and even prospects - is merit and value. And thank you notes certainly create a sense of caring.
Comment // September 14th, 2007 // 6:12 am
Hmmm… after hearing from two women and two men, my original theory about what each gender thinks about thank you notes is shot, although a response of four isn’t empirically overwhelming.
Also, I had thought this was a topic that would be generationally divided, but the evidence thus far doesn’t prove or disprove that either.
Thanks, Dawud, Douglas, Hazel and Heather for your opinions.
Comment // September 14th, 2007 // 9:01 am
Yesterday was my birthday and I received several gifts and cards. I intend to send a handwritten thank you note for each of my gifts (except to my husband), and acknowledge each card with an email or phone call.
When it comes to business, I consider thank you’s very important as a way of showing gratitude. Whether I deliver my thanks in a letter, email, or phone call depends on the professional relationship I have with the person.
Sometimes a written thank you also serves as a paper trail, so I’m careful to word it with that in mind. For instance, the person might be able to use my thank you note as a letter of recommendation in a future job search. An organization might want to publish an excerpt of my letter in a brochure as a customer testimony. Or, my email of thanks may actually help in tracking the status of a business transaction.
I know many people who display thank you notes they’ve recieved by placing them on their desks or bulletin boards. And many hiring managers who say the thank you letter after an interview was the deciding factor in hiring an employee.
So I say, thumbs up on thank you’s as long as they’re sincere.
Comment // September 15th, 2007 // 6:30 am
I am a believer that you can never be too appreciative for kindnesses shown to you by others. Kindness can be in the form of a gift, a favor, or an introduction to someone who can help you in some way. I send thank you notes to every one of my clients after they have paid me. I always send thank you notes for gifts. I send thank you emails and/or paper notes for professional favors and sometimes, if the favors are particularly important or big I send a gift as well.
I wrote an e-book of sample thank you notes because i had gotten so many requests for samples. The booklet is free to anyone who emails me at liz@ultimate-resumes.com and requests one.
Thank you notes are a great way to make someone else’s day and make yourself look classy and well mannered. So, start writing!
Comment // September 15th, 2007 // 10:42 am
I prefer the hand written thank you note. From the receiving end, a hand written note demonstrates that someone has taken time and gone to some trouble to express gratitude for something you have given them or done for them, and the notes remain in your possession, tangible evidence of your relationship for as long as you choose to keep them.
Katie, you’re the lucky winner of two meme tags!
You can check out the details at my site.
Comment // September 16th, 2007 // 4:06 am
Aside from the issue of etiquette — which is not something we should poo-poo, the fact is few of us get anything FUN in the mail these days. In fact, I’ve come to truly detest getting snail mail just because it seldom contains anything I really want to see! Therefore, a handwritten note or card is a blessing to me — I cherish it, post it on my desk, and view it with fondness for a long time.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized the impact of a handwritten note — once I realized that my it put a bounce in my step, I resumed my practice of earlier years — I keep a selection of pretty (sometimes humorous) note cards (and stamps) by my desk and try to send out several each week. Sometimes they are in response to someone’s effort on my behalf — sometimes they are just a note to someone I feel needs a wee boost. Although it was not my intention to garner responses to my efforts, I have received a number of positive comments from folks who’ve received my notes. So I guess I’m not alone in my joy at finding something positive in my mailbox.
I used to tell people in my journaling and scrapbooking classes — your handwriting is as distinctive as your voice. People you are close to will undoubtedly recognize it before opening the envelope. Personally, I still love seeing notes written by my mother, who passed away many years ago. So the emotional impact of a handwritten note should not be overlooked.
In the end, I feel any gift given deserves a thank you note in return — it’s a nicety we seem lax about teaching our children these days. That’s too bad — somethings were “rules” in previous decades for a reason. Thank you notes are one of them in my book.
So while e-mail is great, and cell phones keep us connected, take a moment now and then to brighten someone’s life. And DO remember to respond to those gifts with a quick note. After all, if the Devil’s in the details, it truly IS the little things that count.
Comment // September 20th, 2007 // 7:31 pm
Notes, like snail mail, is becoming a dying breed. My choice to send a note depends on the person giving the gift. To my immediate family, with whom I am in constant contact, I rely on verbal thank yous.
To a co-worker or boss, I try to always give a hand written note. I don’t think an email is appropriate response and this makes it personal. I try to mention what I’m doing with the gift (or what I bought with the gift card).
The nice thing about notes is you can always throw them away after reading them, cutting down on the amount of paper you keep. And with the technology available, I scan some to keep in a computer file.
Comment // October 9th, 2007 // 8:39 pm
I have had a scholarship named for me by friends and family. When I address the note, do I say Dear Jane and Mike or do I say Dear Jane, thank you and Mike. Please let me know.
Comment // October 10th, 2007 // 7:13 am
Alice, I am not the etiquette expert. However, my advice is that you write to each family member individually. Then, wiithin the body of the letter you could say something like, “I appreciate this gesture by you and all of my loved ones so very much.” Or, along those lines.
Other experts want to weigh in?
Comment // October 10th, 2007 // 10:06 pm
Cool post on Thank you notes: do you or don’t you?!
Comment // October 11th, 2007 // 7:10 am
All Occasion, I DO.
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